Stress, Grumpiness and Fear.

First of all, I just loaded a Facebook app called "My Year in Statuses." I'm surprised to find that I'm not nearly as positive a person as I thought I was. I need to work on that. I grumble about damn-near everything. I am a happy person most days, and fun to be around, I think. I enjoy my work, I enjoy my kids, and I enjoy my life. But I bitch quite mercilessly on my statuses. Seems like I only notice the negative.

I think I should do some kind of stress-relief group. I need it. Curtis would probably be quick to agree with me. My happy-go-lucky day-to-day demeanor isn't at all consistent with what's apparently on my mind, though I guess my mind fights to cover it up to myself? I think I'm a master of disguise where my brain is concern. I'm concerned that my conscious and my subconscious are not nearly as well-acquainted as I thought.

As far as the rest goes, I don't subscribe to fear. Fear is stupid and counter-productive. There's no point in it. It doesn't help us, and it severely sends the wrong energy toward something. The worst thing you can do is think "I'm afraid I'm going to get in a car wreck" because then all you're doing is focusing on getting into a car wreck, and you will.
That being said, my sub-conscious is practically a different person. If I don't take something at night like Benadryl to shut my mind off, I fear all night. My dreams are about my animals getting sick, getting hurt, or dying. I worry about my Cat Hospital clients incessantly. I worry about keeping my house clean. I worry about stupid crap. Mostly I don't remember my dreams, and I don't know why I wake up with tension in my shoulders. But occasionally I do remember, and I think to myself, "why the heck did that feel so important at 3am?"

My cat might have cancer. I found 2 lumps today, and Dr. Percival thinks there might actually be 5. I'm trying not to be afraid. But I bet I will be when I sleep tonight.